The Pine Tree Started It!
by Lead Potato
Summary: It's all because Allen talked to a pine tree.
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: This story is gonna get real cracky.**

I'm honestly really scared. Scratch that. Nervous is what I am ;_;

This is my first story... one-shot thingy. Do you want it to be a one-shot? How would you know if you haven't read the story yet? Well, in the end if you decide you want this to continue then drop a review. :P

I'm just a little potato dabbling in the field of writing. This should have absolutely NO errors or typos. If you're aiming to be a beta then why would your story have any errors?

Have no idea how this is gonna turn out, but hey, what's a life worth if ya don't take any risks?

Don't worry, I won't be typing like that in the actual story. But writing Lavi is an exception.

Hope ya like it? Hehe...

oOoO.

No one knows how it started. It was like the thing just popped out of nowhere.

No one paid any attention to it at first. Nor did anyone care.

But when Allen started speaking to it like it was capable of speaking back, that's when everyone simultaneously thought Allen needed a time-out for acting insane.

After strapping Allen down onto the hospital bed, I was interested in why Allen was taking his time talking to this thing instead of eating or fighting with Kanda. So later that night, when the cafeteria was empty, I decided to find out.

oOoO.

Am never letting my curiosity win again! I almost died, damn it! I should have listened to Gramps when he said "curiosity killed the cat"!

But hey, satisfaction brought it back, right?

Not this time!

That thing is Satan I tell you!

That thing...yes...that _thing_ that scared the crap outta me is...

A Pine Tree. A freaking _pine tree_ scared Lavi Bookman. Am not happy.

But on the bright side, I have new information to tell Allen!

oOoO.

 _After locking Allen in the infirmary, Lavi went down to the cafeteria to check the tree out."It's still a sapling," Lavi noted. He crouched down to look at it more closely. Then he did a double take. Because the thing was wearing_ sunglasses. _It was also moving its little leaf arms to grab a boom box, but Lavi didn't seem to notice that._

 _"What the heck..."_

CRASH! BOOM!*

 _Lavi whipped his head around to the noise._

 _Standing there, with the same pair of sunglasses as the saplings', was an even bigger plant, which Lavi guessed was its mom._

 _"Bitch gimme back my baby!"_

 _It pointed a cigar at Lavi, and it starting shooting giant fireballs at him._

 _The sapling put on "I Smoke Weed Everyday," dubstep remix.*_

 _"WHAT THE FRICK! WHAT'S GOING ON?!"_

 _While he was busy dodging the mom plant's wrath, he also didn't notice the baby plant start to chant things in Latin._

 _The ground shook and Lavi lost his balance, falling to the ground. Though he waited for impact, it never came._

 _"W-What the.."_

 _He looked up into a demons eyes, all bloodshot and hungry for action._

 _"AAAAAHHHH!"_

 _"EEEKKKAACHCHHHH"_

 _It started doing a demon screech._

 _Lavi decided he'd had enough and ran for the door, still screaming._

 _All the while the music was still playing, and the mom plant decided to chase after him, demons in tow._

 _Fotunately, Lavi made it out alive, and slammed the doors to the cafeteria and locked them. He heard them banging against the door, but shortly after, it stopped. He slid down the doors, panting from being scared to death._

 _"Did I..just..see...Hell?"_

 _"What the fuck are you doing, idiot rabbit?"_

 _Lavi looked up to see Kanda, clad in a bright pink sleeping gown, with letters on it that read:_

 **On Wednesdays We Wear Pink**

 _To top it off, he had on a sleeping cap that matched the gown._

 _"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

 _Lavi soon forgot that just amoment ago he was screaming like a soccer mom in Walmart during Black Friday._

 _"The fuck is so funny?"_

 _Lavi pointed at Kanda's attire, too busy laughing to give a vocal reply._

 _Kanda rolled his eyes and roughly pushed Lavi aside to go in the cafeteria._

 _"You-you might.. not want...to go in there!" Lavi warned in between laughs._

 _"Don't tell me what to do idiot rabbit!"_

 _Lavi finally stopped laughing and got off the ground, to see Kanda get pulled into the mass of demons and a mother's wrath._

 _"WHAT THE FUCK?! HELP ME RABBIT!"_

 _Lavi stared disbelievingly at Kanda, who just said something nobody's ever heard come out of the samurai's mouth._

 _"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE LOOKING AT ME?!"_

 _"...Yu Kanda...actually called for help..."_

 _"SO WHAT? GET ME DOWN!"_

 _"Haha! No way! I'm definitely telling Allen about this!"_

 _"NO WAY IN HELL AM I LETTING YOU DO THAT YOU PIECE OF SH-"_

 _The mother's Fireballs of Fury finally got him. In the head. That was the end of Kanda._

 _Lavi shrugged and continued on his way to the infirmary to check on the Beansprout._

 _After all, he can finally tell everyone Kanda's secrets! He's dead anyway, what's the worse that can happen?_

oOoO.

*I know, I know, lame-ass sound effects -_-

*If you don't know what that is then you can look it up on youtube.

Well. That was a thing. I swear I'm the laziest author ever, in the middle of this i fell asleep. I was tired. Don't know why. All I did was watch T.V...

Anyway!

Did you guys like it? Was it good? Had enough crack yet? Yeah, I did not plan for this to come out the way it did, but things don't always go your way, ya know?

Review if ya want to. I would, so that the ever-so-kind authoress would continue this..thing. Will have a real thing to call it if I continue with it!

Thank you for wasting your time reading this!

Bye-bye!


	2. Chapter 2

It was a nice day. Not too hot, not too cold. Right in the middle. Just where she liked it; warm. Lenalee was sitting in one of the rare peaceful rooms of the Order, sipping some weird tea that Kanda recommended.

She wonders where that guy went.

Rumor has it that a pine tree shot him in the head with a fireball. She would have to ask Lavi if that was true or not later. But for right now, she didn't care one bit. Lenalee was having fun in her little undiscovered room, drinking weird tea and staring out the window.

Then, something caught her eye. It looked like a little brown dot on the horizon that was slowly getting closer. Lenalee was not taking any chances. Last time she was in peace like this with the window open, she ignored it and it turned out to be shit flying two-hundred miles per hour from some giant blue cat's asshole from the town near the Order. She was not happy. It turns out that the thing had diarrhea for three months and that's what caused it to grow. The townspeople said it all happened in a blur; one minute they were fine and the next minute they were all covered in shit.

Lenalee shivered.

She got up from the plush antique velvet couch she was sitting on to close the window. And just in case it was that darned cat again, she shut the drapes too.

She sighed, "Well there went my sunlight and warmth…"

THUMP*

Lenalee jumped when she heard the thumping noise. It came from the window. Lenalee was almost too afraid to investigate, might it be that stupid cat shit again.

She swore under her breath, almost convinced that it _was_ cat shit, but when she yanked open the drapes she saw something she didn't think she would have ever seen in her life.

"I. AM. GROOOOOOOOOT."

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Lenalee ducked behind the couch in terror as the living tree bark smashed the window open, its rough fists bigger than her. She watched as the bark slowly stepped in, its left foot going through first, then its right. It popped its head in and looked around the room, stepping inside fully.

She had to go get someone, anyone, tell the Order that they were in danger, then fight off this monster with all her-

"I am Groot."

Lenalee had stopped breathing. She didn't want to, but she slowly turned her head to the right, where the rugged whisper came from.

.-.

A scream could be heard, echoing all around the Order, or so it seemed, since the ground was shaking.

Lavi shook his head, forgetting all about it as he sat on Allen's bed, braiding Allen's hair while Allen read a book.

"A shame, right Lavi?"

"Allen that happened a week ago and everyone knows you're being sarcastic."

 _Lavi was running back to the infirmary, excited to tell Allen what happened. When he got there, he took out the key that he used to lock the many padlocks hanging on the outside of the door, confident that Allen would probably escape the may chains constricting him to the infirmary bed. Lavi was thankful that the key didn't get lost in the onslaught of demons and fireballs he had to endure. Poor Lavi._

 _When he finished unlocking all the padlocks, he slammed open the door to find Allen in the process of getting the chains off him. "So I guess you really couldn't get those off, hmm?" Allen barked at him to shut up, and Lavi helped him take off the chains._

 _Then he proceeded to tell Allen the tragic tale of The End of Kanda, swearing he would write a book on it and get rich, fuck bitches get money, when Allen interrupted with a whining noise._

 _"But I wanted to kill him!" Lavi stared disbelievingly at him, letting Allen go on. "Do you know how many times I tried, Lavi? I poisoned everything he ate-on the down low though so the crazy bitch wouldn't get suspicious-I tried to make him die of anger by suddenly having a heart attack or something-by being too angry obviously, I mean I don't even hate him that much. I did when I first came to the Order though, I mean who the hell greets people like that? Rude! He's the one who keeps starting things! I don't understand why I have to be the one that gets the brunt of Kanda's attitudes! Other than you of course, you a stanky ass hoe Lavi. Ever heard of a shower? Take one soon please."_

 _What the fuck._

 _Since Allen went into bitch mode Lavi went into bitch mode too, the both of them arguing and using slang, waving hands in the others' face. Things like "Don't let me get to clapping, boo!" and "If I wanted a bitch I would've brought a dog!"_

 _They argued like this through the whole night._

"I am honestly so sad Lavi. Like my heart is broken."

"Allen, you were doing the freaking Holy Ghost on his grave. Church music and everything."

"I mean what can I say, since he never got to see my moves during his life I thought he might want to see them afterwards."

"Cooooold-blooded."*

.-.

*Horrible sound effects part two!~

*Taken from Nagisa from 50% Off

This is late as hell, but whatever. The only thing that motivated me to write this was literally a Tumblr post thanking all the fanfiction writers. It inspired me to write this, and I am thankful.

This probably isn't as cracky or funny as the last chapter, but I tried.


End file.
